This is not my ceiling
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
