Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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