I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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