i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
