she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
