ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
