Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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