and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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