You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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