He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
