Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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