2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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