I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
