we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
