I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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