I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
