I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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