I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
