Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
even my farts smell like vagina
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
