I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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