I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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