i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
