Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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