I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
