In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
