i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
