id be glad to
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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