Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
