Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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