I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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