I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
