dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
