i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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