Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
