How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
