I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you never un-have a 4some
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
