STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Randomize
