and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
