does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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