She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
