our cab driver is having phone sex.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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