I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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