He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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