When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
