I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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