I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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