I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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