connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
