My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
