the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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