remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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